I got to thinking last night, and I felt that I needed to give a little bit of insight into me for all of you. Read if you want, look over it if you don't. Either way, I'm hoping it will help me feel better about some things to get all of this out.
We'll start small.
I'm a closet perfectionist...most of the time. There are times that I just don't care how something turns out, but then there are times that I do...and re-do...and re-do...and re-do until it is just right. It's a random fault of mine. When it comes to painting...those lines at the ceiling and trim darn well better be pretty straight or it will drive me nuts until it's fixed. There are a few spots in our bedroom and in Justin's room that are bad...well, we won't even go there...
I have what I have begun calling perpetual cabin fever. There are things that I do each week that do get me out of the house, but lately...it just doesn't seem to be enough. I want to get out more, but I just can't get myself motivated to do it more. The other day, I went and saw an old friend of mine who had twins a couple of months ago. It was so nice to get out of the house! And to get my baby fix since my babies aren't really babies anymore! I've started craving the interaction with people, and just wanting to get OUT of this house. Every day I psyche myself up to go out and do things, and because of nap times - and the fact that they don't line up at all - I never get to do them. I would like to work again, maybe. But definitely not full-time. If I did, it would be part time, maybe just a couple of days a week.
When I shave my legs, I swear I can never get both of my legs entirely. I'm not talking about the random hairs here and there, I'm talking the entire back of my thigh, or one whole side of one of my calves. I miss a LOT. I think my brain is just so scrambled at this point that I can't think straight.
I am passionate...about a lot of things. It might not be something that I've been passionate about for my whole life. It could be something that I just really started learning about in the last year...or ten. But I'll tell you what...if it's something that I really love, I can talk your ear off, or show my true colors. There are some not-so-positive things that I am very passionate about as well...in the sense that I would do just about anything to bring a stop to these things. I know that I'm not alone in that aspect at all.
Now we'll get into the "deeper" stuff so to speak.
I am selectively HIGHLY OCD.
- The flowers in the front flower bed MUST be lined up. I know a lot of people that can just throw stuff in and it's good. Not me. I have to follow the curve of our flower bed, along with making sure that the multiple rows/lines/diagonals are all just right.
- Towels and sheets. Holy cow I never thought folding towels and sheets would be such an issue!!! I'm still working on getting Michael to do them the right way. He's coming along just fine, but I need to revamp the linen closet again because it's completely disorganized. I did a whole "Linen Closet Rehab" when I was 9 months pregnant with Justin. It was my nesting (along with other things I had done that day).
- Our bottles have colored rings on them, and they MUST match. I can't stand when they're mismatched. I'll use them that way if I have to, but it will drive me nuts until they're all washed and I can fix them. When washing bottles, I do it in a very specific order: all bottle bodies, all rings, all nipples, all gaskets, all caps. When I set them out to dry, I put the body of one bottle, then the bottom ring with the top ring overlapping the bottom ring in front of it, then the nipple with the gasket on top on front of that, then the cap in front of that. Can you say ANAL? In my defense, it makes it crazy easy to find all of the MATCHING bottle parts at first glance. Yeah...that's my story and I'm sticking to it!
- When cleaning and organizing...I have gone behind Michael and put things back the way they were before cleaning. *blush* I can't help it. Sometimes things just "fit" better where they were! That and I'm such a creature of habit that I like things to remain one certain way sometimes.
- Hanging diapers on the laundry line is like therapy for me. I have a very methodical way that I do it. Pockets overlap just slightly, with the same tab in front each time. That way, when you're looking at them, you don't have one whole diaper staring at you, or two sides of one diaper completely covered. I know, I know...
- Putting toys away is another fun one. All parts of one toy set must go together. Like the train set! All of the tracks are in one bin, all of the cars are in a bucket in the bin above. All of the "play diapers" are in one bin...it goes on...
There are more things to put under this category, but this post is running long enough as it is and I haven't even gotten to all of the points I want to!
I have some very irrational fears. I'm working on them in my own way, and having the kids now help me with some of them a little bit as well.
- I do NOT like spiders. I see one, it must die...like yesterday. I used to be able to pick up a daddy long leg, but I don't think I can even do that anymore. I was exercising yesterday, and I saw one crawling on the wall...slowly. I kept my eyes on it as much as possible (while also watching my exercise DVD), and when it started getting close to getting away, I stopped what I was doing, ran to get some toilet paper, squished that little bugger, and flushed it. *shudder*
- I also really, really, REALLY don't like severe weather. I can handle thunderstorms a lot better now than I used to (that's another whole blog post in itself), but if there's a threat of violent weather...I turn into a completely different person. I get shaky, scared, paranoid...I watch the weather on TV for as long as the threat is there. Normally, if there was even a remote possibility that there could be tornadoes, I would pack up a diaper bag for the kids, and put it in the closet (we don't have a basement...yippee) along with a huge bottle of water (or 2), a flashlight, my camera, my laptop, Michael's laptop, and anything else that I consider to be of high enough value/importance. It really got ridiculous. Now, I have a bin in the closet that is stocked with a change of clothes for the kids, snacks, bottled water, diapers/wipes, and a handful of other things that we might need. I know it might be totally useless if a tornado hits, but it makes me feel better that instead of trying to scoop up two toddlers and a handful of other stuff, I can just grab them and go.
- I am strangely afraid to go out with my two kids by myself. If I'm going to be with someone else, I'm fine. But alone? Yeah...convincing me to do it alone will take a lot of, well, convincing. When I am able to do it, I am ecstatic! I have managed to get out of the house to go to Target, the Post Office, Michael's things like that, but the whole time I'm out, I'm terrified that one of them is going to start throwing a massive tantrum, run away from me, have a major blowout, or we'll get attacked. Again...probably not going to happen, but this one contributes to the cabin fever...a LOT.
Ever heard of Trichotillomania? Yeah. I have that. Self-diagnosed of course. Granted, it's not hard to tell that it's there. Eyelashes, eyebrows, the hair on my head. All of it is "fair game". I have to fill my eyebrows in all the time because they're only about half there. I really don't like this about myself, and I am working on making it better, but it's not easy. I relate it to stress, high-anxiety, and depression. All of which I can be on the verge of on any given day. I'm also a picker. It started with just my upper arms. You know those little bumps that you get (well...I get)? They pop like pimples...and I pop them. I also pick scabs. I do not, however, pick my nose hehee. Anyways...it's gotten a lot worse over the years. I've moved from just my upper arms to my entire arm, my face, my legs. It's really kind of depressing. Now, between the picking and the pulling of hair, I can't leave the house without putting on makeup. I miss the days that I could just up and leave without worrying about what other people would think. Normally, I don't let "other people" get to me, but I know that there are a lot of "judgy" people out there that would think not-so-nice thoughts if they saw me au natural.
Well, if you've hung out with me this far, thanks! I hope I didn't freak out out completely, and I hope that this will lend a little more understanding into the little being that is "me".