Monday, August 6, 2012

Struggling - An Update

Ok. So on my previous post I let you all know that I was struggling on a handful of things. Well, I'm going to give you some insight into exactly what I was dealing with.

The major thing (not the only thing) was that I started to question my marriage. Not because I'm not happy, or because I don't love my husband, but because I'm not living the life I thought I would be, which I mentioned a little bit about here. I thought I would be a housewife before I became a stay-at-home mom. Figured once I got married I wouldn't have to work and that would allow me to adjust to being at home all day before throwing a baby into the mix. Well, that didn't happen, but I'm thankful that it didn't. I loved my job. Even though I missed my baby girl every day that I stepped foot in that building, and I counted the minutes until I could be with her again, it really made me appreciate the time that I did have with her. When I was finally able to stay home with her, I was ECSTATIC!!! Little did I know that in less than 4 years of marriage, we would be getting ready to welcome our third baby. I still don't think it has quite set in yet, but it's getting there. Maybe once I get the ultrasound it will finally hit me. I wouldn't have it any other way right now, but it was a lot to think about. In essence, I was giving up my dream life to be happy with the life that I have now...and I am happy. Very happy. It took a late night, laying in bed, lights off talk with my husband to help me realize it, but it's true. He's mine, this life is mine, and I'm going to make the most of it no matter how annoyed I get with him or the kids! lol

After all of that ate away at me for a few months, other things started going on too. Maybe I read into them too much (who, me???), but they were there for sure. Then...I got sick. Nasty sick. I started feeling like I was failing as a wife and mother. Like my kids and my marriage weren't getting the attention they deserved. Then, my aunt passed away unexpectedly at 55 years young. That alone is not easy to deal with... All of this and a handful of other things started adding up and taking it's toll on me. There is a group of ladies that I have been really close with ever since I was pregnant with Julia - we all met on Babycenter. We were all part of a group on Facebook, and I left unexpectedly, without an explanation which caused a lot more problems than I expected. After a few weeks, I requested to rejoin the group. I had come to terms with a lot of what I was dealing with, and really wanted the interaction back. Well, they decided not to take me back. It knocked me down a few notches again, but I can understand why they're hurt. They deserved an explanation, and I didn't give them one until after the fact. In the process, I said a few things out of anger, frustration and confusion that probably made them more angry. I felt like I lost a lot of friends that day. Hopefully I can get back with all of them soon, but if they don't want me to, I'll have to accept it! For now, I'll continue to maintain the friendship that I have with the few ladies that I've talked with since then, as well as the ladies in my smaller group.

The icing on the cake was getting that unexpected positive pregnancy test. Holy moly. That was THE BIGGEST "OMG" moment of my LIFE. Bigger than when Michael proposed. I don't think my heart stopped pounding for 4 hours. still pounds when I think about it sometimes! LOL!

Anyways, long story short...I'm doing much, much, MUCH better now, and I don't really feel like I'm struggling at all anymore. I think the two biggest helps were getting it out to my hubby, and being able to talk to my priest. They really helped me a lot!

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

God bless,


Jessica said...

Glad you are doing better and not struggling :)

Stacy B. said...

Thank you! :-)