*Warning: This is long...and it's a lot of me, me, me...*
At the beginning of the year, I decided I was going to do a few different things. I wanted to learn my camera better, took on a 52 week project, and I wanted to do something that would make me a better person. Something that would help me find a better life balance within me. Well, unfortunately, I failed miserably at what I wanted to do. Now, I'm starting over. And this might help to explain a few things that went unsaid back in January.
I have what one might call an obsessive personality. Now, when I say that, I don't mean that I obsess over every little thing, but when something gets under my skin...I can't get it to go away without drastic measures. I really feel that I have mild O.C.D. as well. Some things have to be "just so", or they drive me NUTTY. I have gone behind Michael numerous times to put things back 'where they go', or how they were. This little quirk of mine has worked both in my favor, and totally against me in the past. I'm going to make it work in my favor this time. For good. For me. For my husband. For my kids...for my FAMILY. They deserve better from me, and I know that.
I also have what you might call a somewhat needy personality. I need encouragement. I need reinforcement. I need to be noticed. I need to be recognized for what I've accomplished in a non-physical way. I need the 'little things'. I need to feel needed, wanted, loved, appreciated. I crave it. If I don't get that...well, I feel totally useless. I slip into depression. Albeit mild most times. Other times I question whether I've made the right decisions in my life. If I've in fact lived the way I'm supposed to. Then I see my kids, and I wonder why I even questioned it.
It hit me last night. There are so many things that I want and need to do around the house, and just in general, but I have a terrible time getting myself motivated to do them. These are little things that would probably take no more than 10 minutes to do. For some reason, I just. can't. do them. I walked into my bedroom last night and wanted to cry. There was a handful of projects sitting there that I *could* have done, but didn't. One problem that I have is that if I don't think I can get it completely finished in one setting, I won't do it. Well...with two kids on the move, it's virtually impossible to get a project done from start to finish in one sitting. Unless Michael is home. Even then I'd almost rather spend my time numbing my mind on my computer just because the days are emotionally draining sometimes.
As I entered that room, I saw the laundry basket full of clean clothes (mostly mine) that had been sitting there for a week and a half. Yes...a week and a half. I couldn't put my clothes away. Then, there's the small pile of clothes along the wall on my side of the bed. Mostly made up of a few items that have only been worn once, but again...too lazy to put them away. There were the clothes at the foot of the bed on my side that I hadn't yet put away. The piles of stuff on my dresser...the piles of stuff on my nightstand. The bags of yarn...you get the idea. I felt like a failure. Like I didn't deserve the family I have. I am SO BLESSED to have my husband and my kids. But I've started taking them for granted again. I don't like that one bit. So...I'm going to change. I have to do it for me. I have to hold myself accountable.
One of my biggest weaknesses is my computer. I live on this thing. Facebook. BabyCenter. Pinterest. Blogger. Yahoo. Swagbucks (well, that one has paid off a few times!). I've tried to "give up" my computer numerous times. Then I hit a wall during the day, and I just cave. I have to stop. I'm not giving it up anymore, but I'm going to limit it a LOT. I want to cut back so far, and I want to replace the time that I would have been on the computer with cleaning, crocheting, playing with the kids, and reading. Now that I can make it out of the house with both kids in a relatively short amount of time, I want to take them places. Do things with them. Get them to know their mommy. I want them to understand that there doesn't always have to be some electronic device attached to our lap or our hands. I want them to love me, to know me, to understand me, trust me, and respect me. I don't want to be "that mom" that always has to yell at her kids because they're interrupting something *I* want to be doing. It's not about me anymore. It's about my family. THEY are what matters.
I will start working out again. Maybe not every day. Maybe not even three times a week...but I WILL do it, and I've started eating more healthy. I need to feel good in my body in order to feel good about myself. My self esteem has tanked in the last few days. Mainly just because my mind runs wild and I think things that probably aren't even true. It's amazing what amount of power your mind has, though...I really don't like to feel like a failure, and only I can eliminate that feeling and make that change permanent.
My last blog post was about staying with my sister. It really helped me to realize exactly what I'm capable of. So, I will harness that feeling, coupled with the feeling of complete uselessness from when I walked into my bedroom last night, and I'm going to run with it.
Today, I worked on a crochet project that has taken 100 times longer than it should have, I swept the floors, cleaned off the table, and painted some cute little toe nails while the little boy was sleeping. I felt pretty good for a few minutes! I'm hoping to keep that going.
So...until next time...